How Peter Became A Pirate

LOS ANGELES, California---I've been trying my hand at writing fiction since the private detective work has been a bit slow. Seems like ever since they finished that Wall along the border with Mexico, there's been no crime, no drugs, no sexual deviance, no more abortions, nothing. All of America's problems were solved, just like that. Poof! It's almost spooky. And I'm sure many folks are feeling discombobulated with having to admit the orange bastard was finally right about something. What really got me was when Colorado decided to re-criminalize the crazy weed, since it turns out only bad hombres were using it. Meanwhile, Los Angeles has become a boring shadow of its former self. The tension between the police and Compton? Gone, like a ghost. The smog that hovers over L.A. on any given day? Gone, like Brigadoon.

So.... I write, because it's the only thing I know how to do besides sleuthing. Here's a teaser from my new Peter Pan fan fiction novel.

CHAPTER 12: NEGA-TINK

"I do not believe in climate deniers!" Peter shouted in frustration.

The Secretary of Fairy Magic, Sarah Tinkerbell Sanders, said to Peter Pan, "Every time a person says 'I do not believe in climate deniers,' there's a Republican somewhere who drops down dead. Is that what you want, Peter Pan?"

"I DO NOT BELIEVE IN CLIMATE DENIERS!" Peter shouted so loud that Tinkerbell fell down in her tiny house. She looked like she was dying! Peter began to panic. "Oh no, I've killed Tink!" and he picked her up in his palm to try miniature CPR.



Suddenly, Tink lifted her head, and said, "Peter, there's only one way to save me. Start clapping!" Peter put Tink back in her house and started clapping slowly.

"Faster, Peter, faster!" He quickened his pace! Clapping like a standing ovation at the opera. "Now, say 'I believe climate change is a hoax and everything Captain Hook says is honest and true!' Say it, Peter! Louder! Louder, Peter!"

Peter was clapping and shouting now so loud he woke up The Lost Boys, who thought they were being attacked by Captain Hook's pirates. But, at least Tink was feeling better.

Then Captain Hook appeared out of a shadow, having heard his name in such positive phrases. Peter drew his sword, but Captain Hook said, "Peter, there's no more need to fight. We're on the same side now, don't you see? What do you think pirating is all about? It's about climate denial! Trashing the planet with no consequences or accountability. Living it up for the moment and not caring about whiny children."

Peter looked reflective. He said, "You mean I've become a pirate? But, pirating is bad!"

"What? Where did you get such fake news, Peter?! Have you been reading The New York Times? Come on, good boy? You've had the curtain pulled over your eyes. Pirating is the life for me and you. After all, there are good pirates the same as there are good Lost Boys. There are good people on both sides."

Peter looked confused. At this moment, Captain Hook seemed to have all the answers. He was so convincing, like a snake with a forked tongue! Peter wondered if he should have finished high school instead of running off to be king of the Lost Boys.

Sensing that Peter was wavering, Hook said, "Peter, why did you run off and leave your original life to become a flying, crowing, leader of an imaginary intentional community? Did you think you could change the world by being an escapist? Of course not! You don't care about the real world. You wanted to be a child forever, and you succeeded. The final step is to join me and be a pirate!" Hook began to sing with his great baritone voice, "Yo ho Yo ho! The Pirate's life for me. Come on, let's go drill for oil on my pirate tanker." As he sang, Hook reached out his hand where Peter could not see it, and Tinkerbell gave him a palm-full of her special forget-about-it pixie dust.

Peter thought for a moment, and said, "Wait! What about the Neverbeach? The Lost Boys have been trying to clean it up ever since the oil spill covered it with oil, dead fish, and birds."

Hook said, "Oh, don't be such a snowflake!" Suddenly, he sneezed a big sneeze, "Aaachoo!" And he blew pixie dust all over Peter. "Good Lad! We'll just cover that oil with concrete and it'll be just like new! In fact, Peter, I'll even put a statue of you on the boardwalk! Peter Pan, the greatest pirate since me, Captain Hook!"

Suddenly, it all made perfect sense to Peter. Peter started to sing the song himself this time, "Yo ho Yo ho, the pirate's life for me!" as he flew off toward's Hook's ship to begin his new like as a pirate. And behind him, Sarah Tinkerbell Sanders finally got her wish.
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